If someone you loved told you that they had been sexually assaulted, raped, or otherwise molested, how likely would you be to believe them? Would you look them in the eye and tell them that the stranger who made this decision of conquer by force was innocent? That the victim was unaware, perhaps mentally altered by alcohol or controlled substance at the time and incapable of knowing what was going on, or that they misunderstood? That maybe they had changed their mind, felt shame for a bad decision or experimentation and therefore decided to assign blame to avoid embarrassment or judgment? Would you look at them hurriedly and tell them that they had lied? Could you look at this person you love, this person with whom you share a strong emotional bond, and tell them that they asked for it? That they deserved it?
What if this person further told you that the one who violated them was in fact not a stranger, but their husband or wife? Boyfriend or girlfriend? A sibling, perhaps a friend, a co-worker, or a parent? What would your reaction be then? Could you look them in the eye then and tell them the same justifications that people apply every day to strangers? Strangers that may not be in your life but are someone’s mother, sister, cousin, brother, father, or friend?
One of the worst myths surrounding sexual violence is that it cannot happen at the hand of someone with whom you share an intimate connection. Were you aware, however, that most children who are sexually abused are victimized by a family member or a friend of the family? Did you know that battered women are far more likely to die violent deaths when the sexual assault is committed by their intimate partner? Would you believe that men are also the victims of sexual assault in both heterosexual and same-sex relationships (women as well)?
For those of us who have endured sexual abuse, our experiences run the gamut from threats, molestation, and coercion to the unthinkable extreme of rape and incest. None of our stories will be the same, and not all of us suffer the same assaults. I have known several women throughout my life, some childhood friends who were molested by a friend of the family and some as an adult who suffered violent attacks that left them incapable of maintaining relationships with anyone around them. One attempted suicide but thankfully survived. I was devastated to watch all of them suffer their trauma, their pain, the shame they felt after being attacked. It’s empty and lonely to hurt for them and only be able to provide emotional support when you wish you could take it away from them.
I saw the destruction sexual assault leaves in its wake more times that I care to recall. So why when I was with Kevin did I not consider it abuse? Because I was not raped. Never once did he subject me to this. Oddly enough, stories I heard about similar situations with other women, I had immediately labeled it as sexual abuse, but in my case, I felt it wasn’t really that bad…. Was it?
Editor's note: Amy's story will continue with the next post on
Friday, April 15th
If you have been/are being abused or have experienced sexual violence and are finding it difficult to get support, there are organizations and online communities that you can get connected to. Having resources and a strong circle of support are imperative to healing. Please contact on the below for assistance.
http://www.rainn.org/ - information on sexual abuse, please visit the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) website; Twitter handle @RAINN01
https://1in6.org/ - information and support for male victims/survivors of sexual violence; Twitter handle @1in6org
http://www.reveal-heal.com/ - website for survivors of sexual violence to post art or written blogs about their stories; Twitter handle @reveal_heal
http://www.thehotline.org/ - The National Domestic Violence Hotline website; Twitter handle @ndvh
http://stigmafighters.com/ - Contributor website for anyone dealing with trauma or mental illness to post about what they struggle with; Twitter handle @stigmafighters
Also if you feel safe, there is a huge community of survivors of sexual and domestic violence on Twitter. There are also chats:
Monday evenings, weekly at 9 pm EST #nomoreshame - geared toward survivors of childhood sexual abuse; however as many of their topics are applicable, many survivors of sexual abuse in domestic violence and sexual assault survivors also participate. There currently is not a chat specifically for rape or DV sexual abuse survivors. Topics change weekly and #nomoreshame also has a video feed.
Monday evenings, weekly at 9 pm EST #domesticviolencechat – I co-host this chat with the chat creator. Anyone who has experienced domestic violence (male or female, LGBTQ, teen or adult, childhood domestic violence, current abuse victims, and friends/family of someone who has been abused) is welcome. Topics change weekly, and we welcome suggestions for topics.
Tuesday evenings, weekly at 9 pm EST #sexabusechat – same group as Monday’s #nomoreshame and still very open to those of us who have experienced sexual assault or sexual abuse in an intimate partner relationship.
Wednesday evenings, weekly at 9 pm EST #PTSDchat – most of the participants right now are first responders, police, and military. However, increasing numbers of sexual abuse and domestic violence survivors are joining.
How to connect with me online:
https://sweetmarie9619.wordpress.com – Personal blog about my experiences with domestic violence, trauma, PTSD, and healing
https://www.linkedin.com/in/amy-thomson-2ab19283 - LinkedIn profile
@AMarie9619 – Twitter handle